My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
