Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How naked do you want me to be?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
