Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
