Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
