Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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