you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
