we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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