My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we have pet lesbian snakes
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
