He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
