my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
