I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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