So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
