Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
