Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So squirting runs in the family.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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