i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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