I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize