I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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