Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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