first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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