you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
