i wish my penis had a tongue
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
