He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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