I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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