I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
