she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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