Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
