He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
