the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
