i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
