between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You ruined the universe
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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