what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
