You're my little dorito
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
