I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i love accidental penises.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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