Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
