Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
