My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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