Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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