They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
