i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
