Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
