I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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