What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
