Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
