My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
