There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Houston, we have a squirter
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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