Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
