let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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