and you said cock pushups were impossible
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize