i was born a porn star she said
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Two words: blizzard sex
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
