i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
