my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize