Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize