from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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