I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
