If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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