I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
