so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
