hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
soo... how was my night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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