i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
