I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
