The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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