I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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