so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
