They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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