1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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