Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
