i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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