I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize