I bet he comes in French.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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