1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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