I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
